Damn! Fuck!
They've been lookin' for ya.
- Don't leave without me! - Where the fuck you goin'?
Here!
Incoming!
That's the colonel's surfboard!
Hey, get the fuck off me! It's mine!
You fucking Airborne!
- Lance. - Chef, light up, man.
Come on. Let's get high.
- Wanna smoke? - Let's do it, man. Light up.
Someday this war's gonna end.
That would be just fine with the boys on the boat.
They weren't looking for anything more than a way home.
- Captain? - Trouble is, I'd been back there...
and I knew that it just didn't exist any more.
Buddha time. Here.
All right, that's great, you motherfuckers. Yeah.
If that's how Kilgore fought the war...
I began to wonder what they really had against Kurtz.
It wasn't just insanity and murder.
There was enough of that to go around for everyone.
I mean, he never was hurtin' for pussy.
I'm not here. I'm walking through the jungle gathering mangos.
I meet Raquel Welch.
I make a nice mango cream pudding.
You know, kind of spread it around on us.
She's into mangos too.
She's like one limb above me.
- We're both in the jungle here nude. - Hey, Chief.
- Yeah? - Here comes that colonel guy again.
You know how hard it is to find a board you like.
I will not hurt or harm you.
Just give me back the board, Lance.
It was a good board, and I like it.
You know how hard it is to find a board you like.
- He's a determined motherfucker! - I will not hurt or harm you.
I will not hurt or harm you.
Just give me back the board, Lance.
It was a good board, and I like it.
You know how hard it is to find a board you like.
- I will not hurt or harm you. - Jesus Christ.
That guy's too fuckin' much, man.
Do you think he would have shot us?
He wouldn't have shot us on the beach...
but he would have shot us if he saw me taking his board.
Let's go surfin' now Everybody's learnin' how
Let's get this board out of my turret.
Sucker.
How am I going to shoot him the next time he comes around?
Hey, Chef, make some room back there for the board.
Sock it to me, Lance.
I wonder if that's the same chopper.
He's probably got them all over the river with that recording.
We'll have to hold up here till dark, Chief.
Don't worry, Lance. He won't follow us too far.
What makes you say that?
You think that big Cav colonel wants everyone upriver...
to know we stole his board?
I didn't steal it!
- Captain? - Hmm?
Just how far up this river we goin'?
It's classified, Chief. I can't tell ya.
We're goin' up pretty far.
Is it gonna be hairy?
I don't know, kid. Yeah, probably.
You like it like that, Captain, when it's hot, hairy?
Fuck.
Maybe you'll get a chance to know...
what the fuck you are in some factory in Ohio.
Hey, Chief, I'm gonna go get those mangos now, okay?
- Take somebody with ya. - Yeah, I'll take...
I'll go with him.
Chef?
- Yes, sir? - How come they call you that?
- Call me what, sir? - Chef.
- Because you like mangos and stuff? - No, sir, I'm a real chef.
- I'm a saucier. - Saucier?
Yes, sir. See, I come from New Orleans.
I was raised to be a saucier, a great saucier.
- What's a saucier? - You specialize in sauces.
Gotta be a mango tree here somewhere.
Then, I was supposed to go to Paris...
study at the Escoffier school.
But then I got orders for my physical.
Hell, I joined the navy.
Heard they had better food.
Cook school... that did it.
- Yeah, how's that? - You don't wanna hear about that.
They lined us up in front of a hundred yards of prime rib.
All of us, you know, lined up lookin' at it.
Magnificent meat. Really! Beautifully marbled.
Next thing, they're throwing the meat into these big cauldrons...
all of it... boiling it!
I looked inside, man. It was turning grey.
I couldn't fucking believe that one.
That's when I applied for radioman school, but then they gave me...
What is it?
Charlie?
It's a tiger!
Son of a bitch! It's a tiger, man! It's a tiger!
Battle stations. Lance, up front.
- Get on your 60! - Got it.
- Holy shit! A fuckin' tiger! - Chef, come on!
- Captain, come on! - Let's hop in and go!
Let's go!
You were right. Never get out of the boat.
- Bring that 60 forward! - Why never get out of the boat?
I gotta remember! Never get out of the boat!
- How many is it? - A fuckin' tiger!
- What? - A tiger?
Yes! I've had it! I've had the whole goddam fuckin' shit, man!
You can kiss my ass on the county square...
because I'm fuckin' buggin' out.
I didn't come here for this.
I don't fuckin' need it! I don't want it.
I didn't get out the goddam eighth grade for this kind of shit!
All I wanted to do was fuckin' cook!
I just wanted to learn to fuckin' cook, man!
- You're all right. - What happened, bro?
You're all right. You're gonna be all right.
All right? It's gonna be all right?
Never get out of the fuckin' boat.
Hi, tiger! Bye, tiger! Goodbye!
Never get out of the boat.
Absolutely goddam right...
unless you were going all the way.
Kurtz got off the boat.
He split from the whole fuckin' programme.
How did that happen?
What did he see here that first tour?
Thirty-eight fucking years old.
If you joined the Green Berets...
there was no way you'd ever get above colonel.
Kurtz knew what he was giving up.
The more I read and began to understand...
the more I admired him.
His family and friends couldn't understand it...
and they couldn't talk him out of it.
He had to apply three times, and he put up with a ton of shit.
But when he threatened to resign, they gave it to him.
The next youngest guy in his class was half his age.
They must have thought he was some far-out old man...
humping it over that course.
I did it when I was 19. It damn near wasted me.
A tough motherfucker.
He finished it.
He could have gone for general...
but he went for himself instead.
Dear Eva...
Today was really a new one.
Almost got eaten alive by a fuckin' tiger.
Really un-fucking believable, you know?
We're taking this guy, Captain Willard, up the river...
but he hasn't told us yet where we're taking him.
Come on, baby
Thought you might have heard by now from Elwood.
October 1967. On special assignment...
Kontoom Province, II Corps.
Kurtz staged Operation Archangel with combined local forces.
Rated a major success.
He received no official clearance.
He just thought it up and did it.
What balls.
They were gonna nail his ass to the floorboards for that one.
But after the press got a hold of it...
they promoted him to full colonel instead.
Oh, man, the bullshit piled up so fast in Vietnam.
You needed wings to stay above it.
This sure enough is a bizarre sight in the middle of this shit.
Expecting us this time?
Damned if I know.
Hello. Hello.
Jesus...
Wow.
- It goes back up into the truck. - What?
We gotta get all that stuff up.
Hau Phat. You ever been up here before, Chef?
I bet you we can score up here.
Check out the bikes, Lance.
Yamaha, Suzuki. Yeah!
- That's a good one. - Yeah, Sukiyaki.
Yeah, man. This is something.
- Please! - This must be the guy.
Right over there.
Sergeant. Sergeant.
Three drums of diesel fuel, PBR five...
Come on, man! Move!
We don't have time. One hour. That's all. What do you want?
- Can I get some Panama Red? - Yeah, I'll get you Panama Red.
- Sergeant? - Destination?
I don't have no destination.
I can't do a goddam thing without a destination.
- Sarge? Sarge? - I need a destination!
I can't do a thing about it with a destination.
These guys are with me. Destination's classified.
I carry priority papers from Com-Sec Intelligence.
Okay, right, sir. Hey, listen, it's a real big night.
Eight bucks for that... Hey!
All right. Damn.
- Just give him some fuel. - You got it.
- Dog starts barking. - Hey, listen, Captain.
I'm really sorry about tonight. It's really bad around here.
Just take this over to the man at the supply desk and you got it.
Would you guys like some seats... some press box seats for the show?
The show out here.
- Bunnies, bunnies. - Playboy bunnies?
You got it. You gonna be here?
Hey, listen, Captain, on the house.
No hard feelings, huh?
How ya doin' out there?
I said, how ya doin' out there?
Wanna say hello to you from all of us up here...
to all of you out there who work...
so goddam hard in Operation Brute Force!
Hello, all you paratroopers out there!
And the marines! And the sailors!
We wanna let you know that we're proud of you!
We know how tough and how hard it's been.
To prove it we're gonna give you entertainment you're gonna like.
Miss August, Miss Sandra Beatty.
Miss May, Miss Terri Teray! Yeah!
And the playmate of the year, Miss Carrie Foster! Yeah!
Yo! Whoa!
Oh, Susie-Q
- Oh, Susie-Q baby, I love you - Hello!
Susie-Q
I like the way you walk
I like the way you talk
I like the way you walk
I like the way you talk Susie-Q
Oh, Susie-Q
Baby, I love you
Susie-Q
I love you!
- Come on! - What's the matter?
Come on, baby!
Grease my gun!
I'm ready to powwow, baby!
Come on! All right!
You're cute. I like you.
I'm here, baby! I'm here!
Yeah!
- You fucking bitch! - Take it off!
Take it off!
Hey, lover! You want us to come over!
- I sure do! - Sign my centerfold!
Sign my centerfold!
Come on, baby!
Goddam!
Start her up. Hey!
Get out of my way!
Come on!
- Will you sign these? - Let's go! Let's go!
Hurry!
So long!
Charlie didn't get much USO.
He was dug in too deep or moving too fast.
His idea of great R and R was cold rice and a little rat meat.
He had only two ways home...
death or victory.
No wonder Kurtz put a weed up Command's ass.
The war was being run by a bunch of four-star clowns...
who were gonna end up giving the whole circus away.
Hey, you know, man, that was far-fucking-out.
I collected every picture of her since she was Miss December, Chief.
Hey, Clean, look at that. She was here, man.
I even wrote to the cunt. She didn't write me back.
You can really get hung up on these broads, man...
just like that cat in the delta.
- Yeah, you better believe it. - What cat?
The one that went up for murder. He was an army sergeant.
Remember? This cat, man... He really dug his Playboy, man.
Dig it.
When the thing arrived, he was there to meet it, man.
Look at these beautiful fuckin' jugs, man!
Yeah, so anyway, he was workin' ARVN patrols.
One of them cocky gook asshole lieutenants and shit...
One day the gook took his magazine and wouldn't give it back.
He said, "Give me my magazine back."
Gook say, "You shut up. I have you court-martialed."
- Typical fuckin' ARVN. - Yeah!
- Then the gook starts to go too far. - Chef. Take the wheel.
This dude started to stick pinholes in the lady's tits.
Take the wheel.
He started sticking pinholes and mutilating the centerfold.
The sergeant said, "You better not do that to her.
You leave your shitty little gook hands off of that girl.
Don't do her like that."
- Gook say "Fuck you" in Vietnamese. - Damn.
The sergeant couldn't handle it no more.
He just picked up his iron...
flipped it to rock and roll and...
Boom!
Gave that little zero a long burst straight through the Playboy mag.
It blew his ass clean off of the dock.
There wasn't no more lieutenant that day. That was it for his ass.
- They burn him for it? - The sergeant? Yeah, man.
They stuck his ass in the LBJ.
It's too bad he didn't get no medals or nothin'.
Fuckin' ARVN, man.
They should have killed the fuck.
Should have given the fucker a Silver Star.
Bummer for the gook though, ain't it?
Good morning, Vietnam.
I'm Army Specialist Zack Johnson on AMVN.
It's about 82 degrees in downtown Saigon right now, also very humid.
We have an important message for all GI's...
who are living off base from the mayor of Saigon.
He'd like you to hang your laundry up indoors...
instead of on the windowsills.
The mayor wants you to keep Saigon beautiful.
Now here's another blast from the past going out to Big Sam...
who's all alone out there with the 1st Battalion, 35th Infantry...
and dedicated by the fire team to their groovy CO.
-The Rolling Stones, "Satisfaction. " - All right!
Watch out, Clean!
Get down, bubba!
I can't get no
Satisfaction
Hang on, Lance!
I can't get no
Satisfaction
'Cause I try and I try
- Get down, bubba! -And I try and I try
I can't get no
Yeah!
When I'm drivin' in my car
-And the man comes on the radio - Tell 'em you did it, Lance.
He's tellin' me more and more
- I see you is right on target. -About useless information
- Work out! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! - All right!
Look out, Lance!
That's what I say
"Commitment and Counterinsurgency...
by Col. Walter E. Kurtz.
As long as our officers and troops perform...
tours of duty limited to one year...
they will remain dilettantes in war and tourists in Vietnam.
As long as cold beer, hot food, rock and roll...
and all the other amenities remain the expected norm...
our conduct of the war will gain only impotence.
We need fewer men, and better.
If they were committed, this war could be won...
with a fourth of our present force. "
Shit. Chicken time.
You ain't shittin', bro. They're motherfuckin'.
Who is that?
Is that you, Lazzaro?
Don't chicken out.
Lazzaro!
Come on!
- Fire on the canopy! - I got it! Get outta there!
Yeah! I got it! I got it! I got it!
Lance, get down!
Put that fucker out, man!
What the fuck they think they're doin'?
Late summer, autumn 1968.
Kurtz's patrols in the highlands coming under frequent ambush.
The camp started falling apart.
November.
Kurtz orders assassination of three Vietnamese men and one woman.
Two of the men were colonels in the South Vietnamese army.
Enemy activity in his old sector dropped off to nothing.
Guess he must have hit the right four people.
He joined the Special Forces. After that his...
The army tried one last time to bring him back into the fold.
- Methods... - If he'd pulled over...
- It all would have been forgotten. - Unsound.
But he kept going.
- Now he's crossed into Cambodia... - He kept winning it his way.
- With this Montagnard army of his... - And they called me in.
Man like a god and follow every order, however ridiculous.
They lost him.
He was gone.
Nothing but rumors and random intelligence...
mostly from captured VC.
The VC knew his name by now, and they were scared of him.
He and his men were playing hit-and-run...
all the way into Cambodia.
I know what I'm doin'.
I'm goin' to the White House to have dinner...
with the president of the United States.
That's where I'm goin'.
Hey, Chef, put the cover on that.
Clean.
How long has that kid been on this boat?
Seven months.
He's really specializing in busting my balls.
Very possible, Captain, he thinks the same of you.
- Oh, yeah? What do you think, Chief? - I don't think.
My orders say I'm not supposed to know where I'm taking this boat...
so I don't!
But one look at you, and I know it's gonna be hot, wherever it is.
We're going upriver about 75 clicks above the Do Lung Bridge.
- That's Cambodia, Captain. - That's classified.
We're not supposed to be in Cambodia, but that's where I'm going.
You just get me close to my destination...
and I'll cut you and the crew loose.
All right, Captain.
"Dear Son...
I'm afraid that both you and your mother will have been worried...
at not hearing from me during the past weeks...
but my situation here has become a difficult one.
I have been officially accused of murder by the army.
The alleged victims were four Vietnamese double agents.
We spent months uncovering them and accumulating evidence.
When absolute proof was completed, we acted... we acted like soldiers.
The charges are unjustified.
They are, in fact, and in the circumstances of this conflict...
quite completely insane.
In a war, there are many moments for compassion and tender action.
There are many moments for ruthless action...
what is often called ruthless...
but may in many circumstances be only clarity...
seeing clearly what there is to be done and doing it..."
- Medevac, come in. - "directly...
- Quickly, awake. " - Alpha, Tango, Tango, Echo, Tango, Alpha.
- "Looking at it. " - Request dust-off.
Three, maybe four KIA 's. Over.
"I trust you to tell your mother what you choose about this letter.
As for the charges against me, I am unconcerned. "
Medevac, come in.
"I am beyond their timid, lying morality, and so I am beyond caring. "
Medevac, do you read? Over.
"You have all my faith. Your loving father. "
Jesus.
No wonder I couldn't get 'em on the radio.
What a dump.
- Hi there! - How ya doin'?
Wow. That's a nice little boat you got there.
Never seen one up here before.
We called in a request for Medevac. You receive it?
Medevac? No.
We passed a downed Huey with some KIA's.
- On your way here? - Yeah.
- You goin' up this river? - Way up.
- Way upriver? Forget it. - Why?
We want to send some people downriver.
- Just forget it. - What the fuck was that?
- We'll be back in a couple of days. - Yeah, right, you'll be back.
- Chief? - Yeah, Captain?
Why don't you see what you can do with that engine?
- I'm gonna look around. - All right.
Hey, don't leave without me.
Hey, soldier, where's your CO?
Don't ask me, man.
Give my clothes back, you asshole!
Asshole!
Hey, guys, where's the CO?
He stepped on a land mine about two months ago. He got blown to hell.
- Who's in charge here? - Charge?
I don't know, man. I'm just the night man.
Just do what I'm told. Shit. I'm just a working girl.
What about you, fella?
Hey, Lance, man, I'm telling you it's gonna jam. You mark my words.
- Keep it in that condition... - Get off my back!
- No, man, I'm telling you... - Lay off!
Hey! Hey! Come here!
Is that your boat? Come on inside.
What do you want?
Come on inside. I want to talk to you. Come on!
Get out of the rain.
Get off me!
Come on. Cut this shit. Hey, Chef. Hey, come on.
Hey, how ya doin', Captain? I want you to meet some people.
- I got your ass. - Your ass is shit.
Chef, your ass is shit!
You're a motherfucker, man.
Goddam, my ear, you motherfucker!
- Get him off me, Chef. - You smart-ass.
Hey, guys.
I got you! I got your ass!
- You ain't shit, Chef. - Hey, fellas.
- You pulled my fuckin'... - Hey, guys.
I just made a deal with the people from Hau Phat.
I negotiated two barrels of fuel for a couple of hours with the bunnies.
Whoa. Whoa. Captain!
Hey! Hey! You shittin' me?
No, I'm not. Grab a couple of barrels and get up to that big tent.
Come on!
Captain.
You're giving away our fuel for a playmate of the month?
Nope, playmate of the year, Chief.
Warm 'em up, baby! Warm 'em up!
Captain, we get in a fire fight and run out of fuel...
I want you to tell me how she was.
I made a deal for all of us, Chief. How about you?
- You got some mamas in there? - Some what?
Forget it, Captain. I'll stay with the boat.
Hey, Captain! Give me a hand.
You know, I got a...
I got every one of your pictures.
I got the centerfold, the playmate's review...
the playmate of the year run-off.
I even got the calendar.
Hey, oiseau. How come you got a bird?
I used to be the bird girl at Busch Gardens.
- Busch Gardens? - I used to train birds there.
You are...
- You are Miss December, aren't you? - Miss May.
Is it coming?
- Miss December has black hair. - It's over there.
He's not one of my regular birds.
Come on. Come on, baby. Snack? Snatch a crack. Come here.
Being playmate of the year...
is the loneliest experience I can imagine.
It's like... You try to express...
your feelings to someone and show them your heart...
Yeah, I want to hear about your bird act.
I'd love to hear about your bird act.
But would you mind just puttin' this...
Would you just mind putting this black wig on for me, please?
And there's this glass wall between you...
this invisible glass.
They can see your mouth moving.
I used to train birds for at least two years...
- That's beautiful. - At Busch Gardens.
This was cascading over your right shoulder. This was open here.
But they can't hear what you're saying.
I used to train them to stand on their head and ride a bicycle...
Your right hand was...
Hey, Chef!
- Get outta here, man! - Come on!
- Does he want to talk to you? - Later. Give me 15 minutes.
You can never really make them hear what you're trying to say.
You okay with kind of bending? That's it.
Your ass was sticking out just a little... Hey, man, fuck off!
Fifteen minutes!
That's why I tried so desperately...
to show somebody that I had some talent.
Little baby macaws.
- Have you ever seen a baby macaw? - That's kind of open there.
- They're all blue... - Take off, would you?
I got my rights, man!
They make you do things you don't wanna do...
like, this picture here.
I started feeling repulsed with myself.
You were just kind of bending forward. Your ass kind of out a bit.
- I love training birds. - That's it.
That's it. That's very... That's it. Voila.
You're beautiful. I just want to...
You know, I can't believe it.
Me, J. Hicks. I can't believe I'm really here.
Maybe I'm unfit to have a relationship...
with a beautiful, innocent boy.
Just think, if it hadn't been for the Vietnam War...
I never would have met you, Miss December.
Miss May.
I wish... I wish I could find...
just one person...
that could share my point of view.
Oh, you kiss like a bird!
Oh, God! Kiss me! Kiss me!
Who is that?
- You're drivin' me crazy! Kiss me! - I love birds!
You finished yet?
Oh! Fuck!
Like a bird! Take me like a bird!
Fly, baby! Cock it to me!
- Fly! - I can fly like an eagle!
- Fly like an eagle! - It drives me crazy!
It drives me crazy!
Lance, that was somebody's son.
Lance, there were things that they made me do...
that I didn't want to do.
They said, "Pull the ribbons between your legs."
I didn't want to do it.
But they said that was what was expected of me...
that that's what people wanted to see.
- Who are you? - Well, I'm next, ma'am.
Ha, ha! Hell, I didn't know it was a cherry.
- Didn't know you never got no pussy. - Shove it, fuckup.
Sorry about that. If I'd have known, I'd take you to New Orleans.
- Man, fuck you. - Introduce you to...
- Lay off, Chef. - Cherry boy, cherry boy.
You're a fuckin' dog!
Come to New Orleans. I'll get you fixed up, ya prick.
Lay off, Chef.
You're the only fuckin' prick I see around here.
If I wanna play with a prick, I'll play with my own.
Lay off!
What are you gonna do with it, cherry boy?
Chef, I said lay off!
Chef, knock it off! Give him a break! What do you think I said?
Then give your jaws a rest!
This ain't the army. You are a sailor!
So get out of that frizzly army-looking shirt...
and stop smoking that dope!
You hear me?
Lance, what's with all the green paint?
- Camouflage. - How's that?
So they can't see ya. They're everywhere, Chief.
I want you to stay awake up there, man. You got a job to do.
Sampan off the port bow. Sampan off the port bow.
Let's take a look. Lance.
Bring them in. Clean, on the 60. Chef, get a 16.
Clean, get on that 60!
What's up, Chief?
A junk boat, Captain. We're gonna take a routine check.
Well, let's forget routine now and let 'em go.
These boats are running supplies in this delta, Captain.
I'm gonna take a look.
My mission's got priority.
You wouldn't even be in this part of the river if it wasn't for me.
Until we reach your destination, Captain, you're just on for the ride.
- Stand by, Lance. - Come on. Throw the rope, asshole.
All right. Come on. Let's bring it over.
Look in that forward hooch. Bring the people out of there.
Come on! Hurry up, motherfucker!
Can couc, you too.
- Keep your eyes open, Clean. - I got you, Chief.
It's clear, Chief.
Okay, that's them. That's them. They're okay.
- Board and search it. - It's just a fuckin' boat.
- There ain't nothin' on it. - Board it and search it.
Just some baskets and some ducks, fuckin' bananas.
- Ain't nothin' on it. - Chef?
- What's wrong? Search it. - There's the goat and some fish.
- Chef! - Fuckin' vegetables...
- Get on that boat! - There's nothin' on it, man!
- Get on it! - All right!
Move it, asshole! Goddam it!
Just some pigs! Look, mangoes!
- What's in the rice bag? - Fuckin' rice!
- Look in there! - Some fuckin' fish!
More coconuts. Rice. Here's rice.
- What's in that vegetable basket? - Get out of here!
Come on!
Check that vegetable basket!
- All right! - Shut up, slope!
- There ain't nothin' in here! - What's in the boxes?
- Look in that rusty can. - Nothing!
Just fuckin' rice! There ain't nothin' on it!
Check the yellow can! She was sittin' on it. What's in it?
Chef!
Motherfuckers!
- Hold it! - Come on! Let's kill them all.
- Motherfucking cocksuckers mothers! - Hold it! Hold it!
Let's kill all the assholes! Shoot the shit outta all of 'em.
- Hold it! - Why not? Jesus Christ.
Why the fuck not?
- Clean? - I'm good.
- You okay, Lance? - Shit! Fuck! Shit!
- Chef! - Look what she was hiding!
- You all right? - See what she was runnin' for?
It's a fuckin' puppy.
Give me that dog!
- Give me that dog! - No! You're not gonna get it!
- Give it to me! - Give me the fuckin' dog, asshole!
Fuck you! Fuckin' mango too!
- Chef... - You want that?
She's moving behind you. She's alive. Check her out.
Chef! She's moving behind you. Check her out!
All right. All right. Come on, Clean! Goddam it!
She's not dead. She's wounded. Give him a hand.
Just take it easy. Take it easy!
- Slow down and take it easy. - Chef, wait a minute.
- Bring her up. - Is she breathing?
She's hurt. She's bleedin'.
Bring her on board. We're taking her to an ARVN.
- What are you talking about? - We're taking her to some friendlies.
- She's wounded. She's not dead. - Get out of there.
The book says...
Fuck you. Fuck him.
I told you not to stop. Now let's go.